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Here’s the backstory- I had to go to Bed Bath and Beyond this Saturday for three things. THREE THINGS. One item was small and cost $30 so they put it away at the customer service desk and told me to pick it up when I was done shopping. Here are my thoughts in the longest line I have ever been in.
*Walks to front of store*
Huh. Why are there so many people just standing in line with their carts in front of the doors? That’s a fire hazard.
Oh crap. That’s the line.
This is chaos. There is no shape to this, just a pit of middle aged women in winter coats with shopping carts.
Is that old Asian woman in front or behind those ladies? Oh wait, I think she’s behind.
LADIES LET’S GET IN FORMATION (heh. Beyonce)
Oh good, a store worker is coming to put us in line. Maybe she can open another regis-nope, just making a line.
This line has got to be at least 20 people. Let me count. Wait, that’s bad luck! Or is that just for counting a funeral procession? Irish superstitions are weird.
*2 ladies telling the old Asian woman to get behind them*
LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE IS OLD. YOU ARE NOT THE LINE FORMER THAT STORE LADY IN THE PURPLE SHIRT IS.
Don’t worry old Asian, lady, I got your back! *Glares angrily at the 2 ladies.*
Ok, now there is order to this madness. I shall just stand here and die.
*woman asks if this is the line, I politely explain yes, it is the line. She is not holding anything and looks older and confused and nice. I shall call her old lady from Minnesota because she looks friendly.*
This lady isn’t holding anything and she came straight from outside. Is she confused? Does she think this is the line to start buying things? I want to ask, but I am not the line monitor.
Why. Aren’t. We. Moving.
Why are there only women in this line? Where are all the men? Why are there ZERO men here? …Are they smarter than us women standing in this God-forsaken line? WHY AM I TURNING ON MY OWN GENDER. WOMEN OF THE LINE, WE DO NOT HAVE TO ENDURE THIS SUFFERING, WE CAN SHOP ONLINE 2 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS LIKE OUR HUSBANDS AND FATHERS! IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!
Oh right. Non-expiring coupons. Damn you Bed Bath, damn you.
I’m just going to rest my head here and-EW! CART GERMS!
Oh God. This lady behind Minnesota is telling the world how she was in this line yesterday and now she is in it again for the same item. That doesn’t make you cool, lady, this isn’t a ride for a roller coaster, you are buying bed sheets.
Ok- we’re moving a little. Wait, the lady who was at the register just came back! WE ARE GOING BACKWARDS!
*texts Andrew* Kiss the baby for me, I am never going to make it home.
Moved one spot. Sweet.
OH NO YOU DO NOT LET YOUR FRIEND IN, SHE WAS NOT HERE EARLIER. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Minnesota is getting on my nerves. Yes it is a long line. Stop saying that.
Seriously. Why does it take so long? What are these people doing, registering for the store? I don’t understand.
MY PHONE BATTERY IS LOW. IF MY PHONE DIES BEFORE I GET TO THE REGISTER I WILL HAVE A TODDLER-LIKE MELTDOWN. Sweet phone, please don’t make me have to talk to line people.
I will seriously stare at a dead phone before talking to 2 times line lady.
YES! Purple shirt store worker lady is back. She is taking souls to the other side of this river Styx. I hope she picks me!
Why. WHY did they make me put my item in customer service? It cost thirty dollars. I could have grabbed a china plate in the wedding dishes section and shoved it down my pants. Those cost at least $100.
I SHOULD go steal some china plates. Bed Bath and Beyond deserves to be robbed for robbing me of my time.
Maybe I shouldn’t steal. I’m a mom now, I should set an example.
Old Asian lady is getting restless. I don’t think she’s going to make it.
I feel so bad for the register lady. She shouldn’t have to deal with hundreds of whiny ladies returning crap. I’m gonna say Merry Christmas to her when I leave.
Caitlyn had better LOVE this stupid rolling pin. I’m gonna text her that.
Damn it. That was dumb, now she knows one of her presents. Oh well, she probably won’t get it since I am GOING TO DIE IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN LINE!
IT’S MY TURN! IT’S MY TURN! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! MAY YOU ALL HAVE A GRAND YUELTIDE AND A PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!
It’s taken me 5 weeks to try to think of a way to start out this blog post, but the only thing I could come up with was: what the f— just happened.
Although it doesn’t quite capture the miracle that has happened in my life, it does nicely sum up what the first five weeks of having a new baby have been like. Andrew and I successfully survived the first part of parenthood and it has come and gone pretty well. And the best part is that I finally have some new material to write about!
Speaking of writing- not only did I birth a human in August, but I also found time to finish editing that book I’ve been working on. I don’t know how I did that, but part of what motivates me to do anything with my book is having more things to do. When I was in Bloomington living the life of a freelancer- I barely opened up a word doc. But grad school then a baby and apparently I become Leo Tolstoy. But that’s enough about the book, this is all in chapter 8 so you’ll have to wait until I find a publisher to read more.
Back to that kid that I just had!
My plan was to write a weekly update on being a new mom, and all the crazy adventures we’ll be having the first year. But then Millie (that’s my baby by the way) kept on crying and demanding food, so I wasn’t able to start. But now that I’ve learned the magical powers of the sleep sack (thank you Ellen!) and that she should probably eat more ounces per feeding than she did when she was born (or to quote my mother- “she’s crying because she’s hungry.”) I am now going to attempt to execute my plan. So stay tuned to read all about my exciting new blog content, who as I speak is now starting to make noises that I can hear through the monitor.