Connie O'Reyes

90,325. That is how many words I have written down.

The shock has not yet worn off that I have 28 chapters of my first book sitting in my writing desktop folder. It feels weird that the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should be writing, which I have been thinking about for the past year and ten months, is now replaced with the nagging feeling that I need to edit. I don’t know how to deal with this. I should get a prize of some sort, yes? Or at least a nice cold beer.

It hit me this morning when I was trying to think of an analogy of what 90,325 words looked like so I could compare it. Then it hit me- it’s the size of a real, actual book. Holy crap.

In case this is complete news to you, let me catch you up to speed. In fall of 2013 I started messing around with the idea of writing a book. I had an idea for a fiction novel, but it went nowhere fast. I did however have tons of stories about places where I’ve worked and the people I’ve worked with, like the guy who would bike 20 miles to work and leave his gross gym shorts in the filling cabinet room where I filed papers all day. He’s totally in there.

Basically my book is a collection of funny stories about me working in an office. It is in the first person and I think can technically be considered a memoir, but I prefer the ‘humor essays’ category, because a memoir sounds like I have something profound to say, which I don’t.

Since I needed roughly 90,000 words for a complete manuscript, I expanded my list of topics to things such as how I think I will be killed one day by the pigeons that fly in my face on the way to work, working as a hostess and how it was the most difficult job in the world, and random things like a play about a person farting in an elevator. When people ask me what my book is about I stutter though because it’s hard to make it all sound funny, which is why I wrote it all down, so you can see for yourself.

Now you are probably asking yourself lots of questions. Here are some answers for you to get an idea of what I’ve been doing for almost 2 years.

So is it going to be like a real book?

Absolutely not. I made this all up to look cool.

Yes it is going to be a real book. The question is, will it be published by a traditional publisher, or will I self-publish? Right now my big dream is to have it published traditionally. So if you have any friends that work in the book publishing industry, offer to make out with them in exchange for publishing my book. I’d owe you one!

How do you get a book published if you aren’t able to get someone to make out with a publisher?

That is a good question that was not clear by googling ‘how to get a book published.’ It’s confusing. But luckily I made a 10 step plan that will hopefully get to my goal.

Connie’s Awesome 10 Step Plan to Making a Book

1. Make a vague outline X

2. Make a chapter outline X

3. Write a first draft X

4. Take a week off X

5. Buy myself a fancy designer purse as a reward for writing 90,000 words (from an outlet though, because no one pays you to write a rough draft)

6. Edit the book

7. Have readers review chapters

8. Submit to book agents

9. Pick an agent (if I am so lucky to find more than one that will work with me)

10. Get book published

Step 10 is where the agent kind of takes over and hopefully gives me their awesome 10 step plan for the last parts. It’s a little fuzzy but right now I’m focused on step 5 and whether I want to go to the Kate Spade outlet, or the Coach one.

What’s the book called?

I have no idea yet. Giving a title to a book is a million times more difficult than writing a manuscript and I am terrible at titles. Look at the name of my 10 step plan if you don’t believe me.

Am I in your book?

Possibly! Did you ever annoy me at work or fart in an elevator? If yes, then there’s a good chance you’ll make an appearance.

When can I read it?

Like I told my mom, you can read it when you buy the hardcover edition for $35.99.

Thank you to everyone that kindly listened to me ramble on about how much I hate writing, or how hard it is, and how excited I was when I had a chapter done. From what I hear, editing is a million times worse, so buckle down and get ready for step 6!