The Pregnancy Diet

I am not pregnant. I want to be very clear on that before I start getting pastel colored blankets and a screaming phone call from my mother thinking she found out that she’s going to be a grandmother on the internet. So I repeat- I am not, nor wanting to get pregnant anytime soon. Got it? Good.

I’ve been thinking about dieting and different eating habit changes that might be a good idea to start implementing. At a party once, a friend of mine was explaining that when you turn 30, your butt drops like 5 feet from where it was the day before, and that sounds scary. I have a year to go before I get to witness if that’s true, but I figure if there’s anything I can do to push this off from happening for a few more decades, I should give it a try now.

I thought of going vegetarian for about 10 minutes when I saw an animal cruelty video while flipping channels. I don’t think that will take, and while I do feel sorry for the little chickens and pigs that get chopped up, Thanksgiving is coming up and I don’t want to be sitting there with a plate of corn and green bean casserole. Thankful? No one can be thankful for green bean casserole, it’s impossible.

Back to me being not pregnant. While I’m at the age where it’s common to have my Facebook feed blow up with an equal amount of diamond rings and baby bumps, I’m still pretty clueless in the subject. The only time I typically encounter a pregnant person is on the train, where I stare down women’s bellies in winter, trying to determine if there is reason to give my seat up, or if they just have a puffy coat on. Other than that, my knowledge of pregnancy consists of this: It takes 9 months for a baby to pop out, pregnant ladies puke a lot, and there are lots of things they can’t eat. I’m always surprised when I talk to a pregnant friend, and they mention a new thing they can’t eat. Who knew deli meat was forbidden? And if fish is so bad for babies, why the hell am I eating it?

Is she pregnant? Did she have too many cookies? I can’t tell.

I often thought that if I ever did get pregnant, I’ll end up dropping some pounds in the beginning due to the restrictions, especially since I hear it’s frowned upon for pregnant people to get wasted. So I was thinking of implementing the diet that a pregnant person would follow, but while not being pregnant, and not eating for two. I’m imagining eating healthier, paying more attention to my food sources, and maybe even kicking my diet coke habit for good. Plus, since I’m not pregnant, I’d be able to have the occasional cheat days for things like caffeine, hot dogs, and beer.  Plus plus, if I do decide to pop a kid out someday, I’ll already be healthier to begin with and won’t have to go on a crash hot dog diet to detox and get rid of all the evil hot dog toxins polluting my body. It sounds kind of genius now that I am thinking about it.

I’m going to work out a plan, figure out a good start date, and decide the rules I’m going to give myself for this to work. In the meantime, please share your knowledge of forbidden pregnant foods and things to avoid, I’m sure fish and hot dogs isn’t the only thing on the list, and if it is, I may have to rethink this to be more restrictive. Like, no hot dogs OR hamburgers.

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