Former Governor Rod Blagojevich is heading off to Colorado tomorrow to start his 14 year sentence for corruption charges. I am not a political blogger and never will be, but I was thinking about what he should do on his last day in Chicago…
1. Go to Wicker Park and scream, “YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HAVE BORING JOBS AND MORTGAGES BY THE TIME I GET BACK! AHHAHHAHAHA!” And hand out pamphlets on how to get the most out of your 401K, but do it ironically.
2. Don’t wait in line at Kuma’s Corner or Hot Dougs. No one should have to wait in line for something they can find at a BBQ, especially if you’re going to be sitting around for the next 14 years.
3. Do wait in line for Garrett’s popcorn. That stuff is delicious.
4. Go to the bad neighborhoods of Chicago, buy a keg, some handles of liquor, and throw a party. It’s good to have future friends on the inside. Maybe bring them some Garrett’s while you’re at it.
5. Tell your wife she has 14 years to get a better haircut than that awful 80s bob. And for God’s sake, fix those bangs.
6. Plant a tree. That way, you can honestly say you didn’t totally F&*$# up the state of Illinois.
7. Get wasted in Wrigleyville, break in, and run the bases. What’s the worst that can happen- you get arrested?
8. Go to Lincoln Park and punch a DePaul douchy guy in the face. The city of Chicago will thank you, and it’ll be great practice for when you have to prove yourself out in the yard.
9. Go to Mario Tricoci and get one last, good shampoo. I hear that lice disinfecting stuff they have in the clink causes awful split ends.
10. Ask your father-in-law, Aldermen Mel, for a loan, so you can complete the perfect image of his daughter marrying a deadbeat who’s in jail. Wear a wife-beater tank and a bandana on your head for added effect.