Those that know me well know that I am terrible at remembering people and their names. This is especially but not limited to people in high school. Had I had a social media outlet like Facebook or my works company directory where I can look up a person’s name and match it with their face, I’d probably have had a lot better time with this as opposed to sitting there at graduation asking the girl next to me who some of the people were walking across the stage, and if they had been going to our school all four years (true story, and no, it wasn’t that big of a high school).
One time, I was at a bar with a friend and we ran into someone I went to school with whose name I knew. She was with this girl I knew, and Ithought I remembered her name, so I tell my friend, “Oh, this is Sharon.” To which my high school friend looks at me awkwardly and mumbles to me. Since the bar was so loud, I kept shouting, “HUH? HUUHH?” And she finally had to shout to all of us that I had the girl’s name wrong. It was bad. I wanted to hide.
But as bad as I am with names, I think even people with the best memories have certain limitations. For instance, it might be a bit harder to remember the name of the girl who you shared homework with in homeroom every day (Hi Hazel, if you’re reading!) as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, some random ass person you would bet your mother’s soul that you never spoke to in your entire life.
What brought this rant on? One word: Facebook. (at least I think that counts as one word) Why, why WHYYYYYY do people insist on being my friend if we’ve a) never spoke in grammar or high school b) I was mean to or they were mean to me, either way we didn’t like each other. And, most importantly, c) still continue not to talk to me even though I went against my better judgement and confirmed their friend request!
What goes through these people’s minds? I never sit around online and say, “Gee, let me flip through the ol’ Guerin yearbook, find the person I never talked to and see what they’re up to by looking at their profile and not talking to them. Oh no it’s set to private! Let me request their friendship just to stalk their page and see what their favorite tv show is! The Office?? Blah, how typical, I’m glad we never spoke to each other.”
If they are in fact sitting around thinking, “Gee, what was the name of that girl in high school who was super cool. You know, the one who was always bolting down the hallway because she almost never made it to school on time, and who was always standing outside of homeroom scribbling her parents name on her report card because she forgot to give it to them the night before, and who hated bathing more than anyone I know? Connie! Yes, that’s it. Man I wish we were friends. Maybe I can reconnect with her and we can become friends starting with catching up on Facebook!” Then I’d be happy to chat, by all means, let’s even take it a step further and follow each other on Twitter!
But despite the fact that I have more people on FB than I care to count who I don’t talk to at all, that’s not the case. Why do I still confirm? Because I’m a sucker and think that maybe this time will be different. Or maybe we were friends and I’m just a jerkface and forgot their names.
Either way, I’m starting a form. Next time someone shoots me a friend request they’re gonna have to work for it. I will promptly send them a “So You Want To Be My Friend” Application, and if they bother filling it out I will review and approve as I see fit. (see form below).
2. Name I would have known you as when we met (If I didn’t go to your wedding, I don’t know the name of the guy that knocked you up last year and decided to put a ring on it- so tell me your maiden name):_____________
3. How do you know me? (Check all that apply)
__I sat next to you all 4 years of homeroom, jerk.
__I’m not sure if we do, but my friend’s sister’s mom is your friend and I’m trying to get to 500!
__I’ve had a secret crush/admiration/interest for you ever since I saw you at ________. You’re so awesome I’m going to name my first-born after you.
4. If I do know you as you claim, where have we met?
__School (must name which one, unless you are a boy then I can assume it was not at Guerin).
__At a party. You kept saying “Do you know who I am?!” When you had to wait in line for a beer.
__I’d rather not say so that I cannot be traced by the cops when I come for my revenge.
5. If I approve your request, what will you do with our new found friendship?
__Send you lots and lots of comments and read your blog of course!
__Never read your blog and forget who you are in a month. Wait, who are you?
__Use your personal contact info to hunt you down.
6. Will you bombard my wall with stupid applications and farm animals?
__No, of course not, I fear the wrath of Connie.
__Yes (please tear up application and forget my name just like I have already forgotten yours).