So, apparently everyone has forgotten that there is a major holiday in between Halloween and Christmas. Let me give you a hint- it rhymes with Shmanksgiving. As I was staring at my delicious, yet pre-decorated red Starbucks cup this morning, I kept getting angry at how the whole freaking city already has its Christmas decorations up! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the holiday spirit, but what about poor Thanksgiving? Don’t you think it should have its time to shine? This is especially odd since this week I”ll be getting TWO days off, whereas for Christmas I only get one. That alone should tell you that Thanksgiving is nothing to brush off. And yet I see no decorations, no songs on the radio, only Christmas paraphernalia which, if it were up to me, would NOT be allowed until the day after Thanksgiving. This gives you a whole month to stare at your poinsettia and garland while eating peppermint flavored things listening to Jingle Bells for the 9 millionth time.
Since C is for Connie is a way of me correcting what’s wrong with the world, if nothing other than by criticizing and mocking, here are my suggestions to bump up the hype of Thanksgiving so it can stand its own in the month of November.
Issue 1: November
Ugh. I hate the word/month November. It’s just so…ORANGE. And not a cute, bright orange, but that dull, gross one. I don’t think we should move Thanksgiving from this month because I don’t like eating warm turkey meals in summer, so how about name it something better, like….Covember? The C gives it a punch. Or Vovember? Idk, needs work though.
Issue 2: Color scheme
Orange and Brown? Seriously? What color-blind, syphilis-ridden pilgrim came up with the brilliant idea of orange and brown? Well, I’ll tell you. See the origin of Thanksgiving actually derived from the day BEFORE, which was also called Black Wednesday. This was when the Pilgrims and Indians would sit around and drink alcohol and get wasted. The next day, one pilgrim, called…Winston, woke up around noon and saw that people were barfing all over. But after they all puked, they decided they were hungry and could use a late lunch (this is also why we eat dinner at 3). They liked this two-day party and decided to stick with it, using the puke colors as decoration since they didn’t have construction paper and pipe cleaners back then.
Issue 3: Songs
The only stupid song I can think of that even remotely resembles a Thanksgiving song is “Over the River and Through the Woods (to grandmother’s house we go)” and I don’t even think it mentions that they’re going to visit their grandmother for Thanksgiving. Now that I think of it, I think it mentions something about a sleigh, which is definitely not Thanksgiving imagery. You see??!!? Get some freaking songs that we can sing, Thanksgiving, so we can sing them as we’re trying not to stab our annoying relatives in the shoulder with the pie cutter. (Just my family? Oh, ok then).
Issue 4: Food
Eliminate the following items forever off the menu: Anything created by using the entrails of a dead bird (Stove Top tastes marvelous!), odd vegetables you can’t normally find unless its November and even then you have to ask the grocery store guy to go in the back under the store to pull out some rare and disgusting brussel sprouts. AND WHAT’S UP WITH GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE? Again, I think of vomit.
Issue 5: Decorations
I don’t care if you get the best cartoonist in the whole world- a turkey’s still a turkey. There needs to be a new mascot for the day. How about a cool pie cartoon? Everyone loves pie! (Don’t get me started on the pumpkin pie though- again, the vomit). There can even be children’s stories and songs made of Palmer the Thanksgiving Pie and all the crazy adventures he gets into battling the evil casseroles. And while we’re on it, get rid of the ugly squashes or whatever they are. If you can’t eat it, there’s no place for it on the table. Stop trying to copy Halloween by trying to make gourds look cool- it doesn’t work.
And there you have it- a holiday makeover. I wish you and your loved ones (or the ones you’ll be eating with because you’re obligated to share a meal with them on Thursday because they are unfortunately related to you) a Happy Thanksgiving! I’m off to cut out pictures of Palmer the Pie….