Man I really could have used a hot vampire today.
I was walking along, normal Monday, walking at a brisk pace because of course the Red Line had a problem (the problem being it didn’t go fast enough to make up for me getting on later than I should have). I’m minding my own business and start walking through the crosswalk after two cabs cut through even though I had the walk sign.
Ok, not a BAM, but a one ton bullet on wheels was coming at me. This lady in a stupid blue car was TURNING INTO ME as I was CLEARLY in the right and walking when I was supposed to. This has never happened to me before and quite frankly I’m kinda surprised it hasn’t happened sooner given the odds of getting hit downtown. But luckily I was able to use my super blocking skills I’ve picked up in the indoor soccer league I”m in to block the car. What’s that? You didn’t know I joined an indoor soccer league? Why yes, once a week I play and although I can’t pass, dribble or shoot, I am quite excellent at “blocking” the ball, or rather, getting in the way of the opposing team’s shot with my body (see the hexagon shape on my knee for more details). In fact I am so good that the referee himself came up to me yesterday and said, “Um, you know, you can block your face from the ball when it comes at you.” Gee thanks, now I”m ready for the World Cup!
So back to the car. Since Edward Cullen was apparently sick today, I had to stop the car with my own hands. I slammed my grocery bag with my week’s worth of lunchtime fruit and yogurt on the hood and pounded my palms as well. What was I doing exactly? Was I really trying to stop a car with my bare hands and yogurt? I think I was. Luckily though, the car wasn’t going that fast and stopped just in the nick of time.
That’s when the confusion stopped and the rage began. I’m not sure what I was shouting the first few seconds, but I can almost guarantee they were profanities. Then I walked over to the lady’s window and started to form sentences. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? WATCH WHERE YOUR F-ING DRIVING! WHAT THE )%&$)%&#$ DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!” To which the jerkass with bad lipstick replied “I’m SOOOrry.” As if she had been apologizing for an hour, or like she HADN’T just almost killed me. Like “pffft, get over yourself.”
OH. HELL. NO.
I thus replied, “No you’re not!” and apparently felt it necessary to call bullshit on her apology to the whole street. I then really laid into her as she drove away, hopefully more frightened than I was. Oh bitch, you picked the WRONG person to almost run into. Hmph.
So tomorrow you can find me outside the Red Line, standing behind a pillar with a bag full of baseballs so I can impale the lady if and when she drives through the same intersection tomorrow. Because you do not almost run over me and get away with it! Ok, I probably won’t. But next time a car comes blaring towards me there had better be a freaking vampire to block the car.