SO as you may or may not have noticed, I’ve been bragging/complaining how the Lord Ruler Almighty of Chicago (no, not Daley) Oprah had deemed that the street in front of my work building be the spot for the stage of her season premiere taping. I hate to say it but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, possibly because she controlled the weather so that it was nice and breezy with no rain in sight. Also, crowd control actually worked, which isn’t hard when you have a million soccer moms in the streets, they practically formed orderly lines by themselves. I actually saw Ms. Winfrey on the double decker bus where she was conducting interviews and controlling the universe.
But that wasn’t the most exciting part! When I got out of work, I was walking around and managed to get right by the side of the stage when the Black Eyed Peas came on to sound test. At first it was just the weird looking ones, but after a while the Duchess herself came out and I got to see my #1 pick for exercise music- Fergie!
Now, no one believes me at first when I say this, but she waved DIRECTLY at me. I can almost hear everyone rolling their eyes at me right now but let me explain. There weren’t that many people next to me when I was standing around, but the people that were around me just STARED and silently took pictures, as if she WASN’T on all their ipods and they DIDN’T put her songs on every time they attempted to get fit. But I, being oh so intelligent, thought to wave frantically like a crazed maniac until she looked up and smiled at my spectacle, thus politely waving back in response. And there you have it- Fergie waved at me, I swear to Oprah.
After she saw me, she came down to say hello. This is what happened next…
Me: Hey Fergie-Ferg, I’m Connie.
Fergie: Hey Connie, I like your humps.
Me: Aww, thanks. So… I hear they’re giving away free vitamin water- can you hook it up?
Fergie: No, but I know who can! Come with me, right past the London-London Bridge.
Me: Umm, Fergie? That’s the Michigan Avenue bridge…
(we walk to a fancy trailer, inside is Oprah Winfrey herself, eating a hot fudge sundae-from McDonalds.)
Oprah: Hello Fergie! Hello Connie! Welcome to my trailer, you may sit on the floor so that you may look up admiringly at me. Would you care for some McDonalds?
Fergie: No thanks, I still go to Taco Bell…
Me: Oprah! It’s a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for having this party in front of my office, I got to leave 2 hours early today, that was pretty sweet. Wait- how did you know my name?
Oprah: No problem my child. I know all, see all, and AM all. I am OPRAH.
Fergie: She’s G-L-A-M-O-R-OU-S
Oprah: You may take some vitamin water from the fridge Connie, hell, take the fridge- and the trailer! Trailers for everybody!
Me: Wow Oprah, you have it all! Tell me, what’s your secret to success?
Oprah: My secret is this: I only order from the value menu, it saves money. Now Fergie and I must go, we have a show to do and after that I have to give the President my healthcare platform that he will give to congress tomorrow. Take care!
Me: Bye Oprah! Bye Fergie! I’ll miss you!
Fergie: Bye Connie! And remember, Big Girls Don’t Cry. Stay Fergalicious!
Me: I will Fergie-Ferg, I will.