Nurse Ratchid, paging Nurse Ratchid

So last Friday I took the day off (mad props to my boss for letting me take off even though I asked the day before and said “I feel like starting the weekend early”) and after a lovely lunch w/ Aurora, I had to take my sister to the doctor’s office b/c she hurt her back. Possible explanations of how she hurt her back are falling over one of the one million laundry baskets in our house, tripping over the dog who likes to tap dance under your feet when there’s chicken in the house, or bum-rushing some punk kids trying to steal CDs from the place she works. Either way I didn’t have much to do (aside from precious, precious sleep) so I gladly drove her. She goes to the Advocate which is where I used to go but recently switched due to the simple fact that its the place where the most vile, putrid, horrendous beasts who walk on their hind legs and take the form of humans in white coats work. Some may refer to them as Doctor P’s nurses, but I call them Beast #1 and Beast #2. Think Regina George, plus that guy who killed the Gladiator’s family, plus the Shredder, plus 10 other villains, all rolled into one….times two.

Disclaimer: I don’t hate all nurses!!! Just the one’s at my ex-doctor’s office. If you read on I’ll explain why, trust me, they’re beasts.

We get there and there is no one in the waiting room. By no one I mean patients OR nurses. Fine, ok, whatever. We sign her in and sit down. Beast #1 walks in, looks over at us and says, “Who are you.” with a tone that I can only describe as rancid. Now, common sense would tell any medical professional, or person with a head for that matter, that they could simply look at the sign in sheet and make the connection that the only name on it is the person whom you are starring at, but alas this beast had no head- only an attitude. My sister tells her her name and she then looks to the sheet (good job!). She pulls her file, and retorts, “you have to pay your copay TO-DAY.” Ok…fine…obviously we weren’t going to run. God knows I don’t want to see my sister running in a hospital gown down the block with a bad back trying to escape the expensive $15 copay that is due after this luxurious experience. (Although….it would be kind of hilarious if they DID chase after her and she gets tackled with her back spasming down the street….hi sister if you’re reading!!)

We wait a long time, which is about 25 minutes although we’re there on time and still no one has come in. My sister then is escorted off and I am left to watch Beast #1 perform a mundane task that requires papers, a stapler, and is clearly not difficult because she is able to use her headset to talk to a friend on the phone. Every 10 minutes or so she is rudely interrupted by some obnoxious sick person who is calling in search of help (how DARE they!). The following is a list of responses she said to each.

“Dr. Fox? Noooo, haha you’re going to have to wait a long time to see him…”

“No, you can’t talk to her, she’s busy.”

“You want a prescription? No you can’t talk to him, you have to call your pharmacy.”

“You’re deathly ill and desperately need to see a doctor? F-you, I’m stapling here!.”

The last one was an exaggeration, but you get my drift. No, no, no. All with the same attitude. It was as if each person she came in contact with was a blood and she was clearly a crypt. No-mercy-period. A sweet old man comes in later (by later I mean 40 minutes now…did sister die? I hope not) and tries to tell her the story of his prescription, but she stops him mid sentence. She then picks up the phone in front of him, calls Beast #2, and says, “you need to come deal with this, no, you need to come now, please, please, please….ok.” and then tells him to wait for the grim reaper while she works on her ever so difficult task (if there were a staple jam, I’d dive in front of the old man secret service style to protect him from the bullet storm of office supplies that would ensue).

Beast #2 strolls in, listens to this poor man’s story (think tweed cap, old man jacket, and hankee for his cough, I shall call him Charlie for added sympathy) explains that his pharmacy has been trying to contact the office for 3 days and no one has responded to them. His doctor is out on vacation for a few weeks and he needs his prescription (although I don’t know what it is, lets pretend its important for dramatic effect, eh?). Beast #2 then looks up his file, pulls it open and
condescendingly explains that there is no record of his pharmacy calling, “Here it is, in black and white, there’s no record” (can I just ask at this time how can something that doesn’t exist be in black and white? clearly we are dealing with great minds here).

After Charlie pleading and yelling about how he has no medicine, (note, not beer, not strippers, med-i-cine) Beast #2 gets a spark in her head hole and thinks to look at the online site where pharmacies can go and fill out requests. I know this because it is posted in several places around the office promoting that patients use this method as a simpler way to get their meds. She scratches herself, and tells him that his pharmacy did not call, yet placed an order online. Since his doctor is living it up on vacay, lil’ ol’ her was left to tend to filling his prescriptions and she failed to think to look online…or a nearby wall for that matter. After twisting and twirling Charlie’s words around, she is somehow able to make it seem as though he and the pharmacy are to blame, fills his meds, and sends him on his way. Did I mention it was raining? That’s not an exaggeration. Poor Charlie =(

Now I know that nurses have some of the toughest jobs out there, but cleeearly these people were just not human. Half of my followers (lol, that’s two) work in the ER as greeters and I can almost guarantee that they would never act so mean, especially on such a slow day. In fact I was trying to picture my bff Turk (why Turk? Because she’s working her way up to be a medical professional, and she’s my bff, and I’d totally fit the role of JD on Scrubs =D) acting mean to old Charlie and I couldn’t- she has a soul. Now had Charlie come in yelling and not respecting her desk, by all means, rip Charlie a new one. But honestly this was a tale of a sweet old man and two evil, evil witches.

Also, it took us over an hour to get in and out- and when I asked my sister what happened she said she waited 40 minutes, the doctor came in, poked her back, and decided she pulled a muscle….I don’t have enough time to get into doctors but seriously? Poke faster.

After that I was in disbelief and disgust. Thank God I no longer go there. My work just offered a cheaper version of HMO and in order to get it I had to switch doc’s because my pristine medical group was not part of it. Today I called my new doc for an appointment, cringing and praying that the nurses there at least 1% nicer than the ones I just described. Not only did my new nurses greet me with pleasantries, they APOLOGIZED for me having to wait on the phone because they had to check to make sure my name was on the approved list of new patients. I feel that this is going to be the start of a beautiful relationship and I hope to God I never have to see Beast #1 and Beast #2 as long as I live.

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