Dear Kate (and Jon, although I doubt he’ll read this),
I am sorry to hear that on Monday’s episode there is a possible chance of you announcing your divorce to your estranged husband. My deepest sympathies if this is the case. Through the years I have watched you struggle to put up with him and his ridiculous antics such as using incorrect pronouns, not getting the right outfits for the kids, driving the car the wrong way, and such other inforgiveable acts. While the world may think you are a vicious ball breaker, I have nothing but the upmost respect for you and your fight against spousal stupidity. And to think, you do it all with a modernized flock of seagulls haircut- and eight kids.
Which brings me to the purpose of my letter. While I know you are quite capable of handling eight children on your own, I think that with the recent vacancy in your house you might come to enjoy the lifestlye of not having 10 people in one household and may find yourself trying to find a way to unload a few more. Therefore, I would like to offer to take Aiden off your hands, free of charge. You might not know which one he is because unlike the viewers you do not have captions on the bottom of a screen with their names on them, but Aiden is the adorable boy with glasses. If necessary, I will also be willing to take one of the quieter girls, but Aiden is a must. And by no means will I take Maddie, she’s all yours, although I suggest you ship her off with her father, just for one last dig.
If you were to agree to hand over Aiden, I assure you he would live a life of luxury. Currently, I still live at home, but I will try to find a place soon so he won’t have to live with my sister, who smells. While I’m at work, he will be free to watch CABLE tv, eat whatever’s in the fridge, and play with my dog Precie, althoguh sometimes she gets a bit grouchy and doesn’t like to talk to people. However I’ll make sure to feed her before I leave for work so she doesn’t bite his cute, cute face off.
Please consider my offer and let me know what you think soon, because I’d like to show him off for the 4th of July. Good luck with the divorce and might I suggest demanding Jon’s hair transplant to be taken back in the settlement, because after all it was your stomach that popped out all those kids.