AC Slater (my bf who I’ve decided to give a code name to in case he becomes a prominent figure in the public eye one day and won’t be linked to silly blogs- let me know if you’d like a cool code name as well!) informed me today, at 1:23 pm that we are attending his aunt’s surprise bday party this evening and oh- by the way- its formal. WTF! Formal you say? That would have been nice to learn oh I don’t know, earlier this week when you told me we’d be going! It’s times like these when I could seriously use a fairy godmother to eliminate the process of frantically getting ready. So I’ve decided to blog about what I will be doing in the time from when I get home to the time I RUN out the door towards my car in hopes that we aren’t walking in when the guest of honor arrives. My hope is that guys will understand a bit more of what it takes for us women to become beautiful and will hopefully lay off the riducle that comes w/ being late.
6:05- arrive home, throw purse, feed the dog (because despite my lack of time, the dog comes first) meanwhile I will be shreiking profanities at whoever will listen, which may very well in fact just be the dog
6:10-run upstairs, disrobing on the way, and jump into shower. Now since it’s formal, this will involve shaving- as if simple bathing wasn’t bothersome enough. Guys don’t have this problem becuase although they have to shave, they do not have to make 1/2 they’re body silky smooth. Also? Guys don’t have long luxurious hair like I do and therefore they’re shower time is cut down even more.
6:30ish- find something to wear. HAD I known about the formality of this event earlier I could have prepared, but alas, I am going to have to dig through my closet and say the rosary in hopes that all my nice dresses are not crumpled in a ball near my shoes which, let’s face it, is most likely the case. If my nice black dress is on the floor, that only leaves me with option B which is a cute brown and light blue summer dress… that is, if it fits…
6:45- cry and scream about how I have nothing to wear and the dresses I do have make me look like a fat, ugly man. This- is inevitable and a must for the getting ready process.
6:50-resolve on a dress and paint my nails. Currently I have red nail polish on which will be fine if the crumpled up black dress is not on the floor, but if I am left with option B I will then have to repaint, which will take even more time and effort. On the plus side my only shoes (which I hope I can find) that go with option B only show my first two toes, which will cut out the painting my toes time by 60% (note- I needed to pull up the calculator for that one, then I had to look at the calculator to make sure I spelled it right, I am not smarter than a 5th grader). If I do not have to repaint, then I at least need to touch up the chips, becuase as my father once told me, only hookers have chipped paint on their nails (still not sure how he knows this…)
7:10-hair. Luckily this won’t be too bad becasue I’m a pro at drying/straightening my hair, however I will be cursing myself for being lazy and not getting a haircut this week which would have cut my time down a bit. Tip: I like to do my makeup while the straightener is warming up. It saves about 1 minute of precious, precious time.
7:30-makeup. why do I feel as though whenever I’m going somewhere nice that I am a certified cosmetologist? I will most likely try something new which will make me look like a beginner transvestite, then I will have to wipe everything off and start fresh, thus losing my 1 minute gained.
7:45-jewelry, shoes, perfume, switching purses, etc. not too hard to do but time consuming when they’re added together
7:55-I forgot to brush my teeth- opps.
8:00-out the door? not likely. If I forgot to type in where I’d be brushing my teeth, chances are I forget something even more important, its bound to happen.
And there you have it. What pray tell will AC Slater be doing in the meantime? I imagine pulling out his one suit, one pair of dress shoes, and putting them on. If he’s feeling GQ he might pop in his contacts and sprinkle some water on his hair to tame it a bit. Why is it that guys get to wear suits? It seems 1000 times easier. Perhaps I’ll wear men’s suit tonight, it’d be a lot easier and I bet I could find a tie that matches my red nails.
Did I mention that the party starts at 6:30? FML.